Day 68

It was a downright tough day. All days can't be rosy over here and sometimes, people senior to me are just looking to exert some power and perhaps even work off some stress. Unfortunately, I was the recipient of it. It was just one of those times I wanted to crawl into a hole and never come out. Luckily, the one person I trust in Oz visited today..my commanding officer from back in 'Kansas'. It was good to speak openly about some of my struggles here and get some candid, honest feedback from someone who has been there, done that and doesn't use rank to "calibrate me" as he sees fit. His counsel is priceless to me.

As my life has proven, timing is amazing when you look back. After I say goodbye to him and am walking back in my building, the mail was delivered. One box was full of espresso (thanks, Amy!) and the 2nd box from HOME. I cannot adequately put into words what it means to hold my little girls' art, schoolwork, crafts, and Father's Day card in my hand. When I say it "cracks me in two," it does...so bad that I nearly choke just trying not to lose it in an office with others. Then pictures...pictures of Dorothy and the girls. Pictures that I thought would just be a repeat of what I saw online already but no...they are of my girls and all 3 of them together...ones I had not seen before. I tell you now...while my exterior has grown tough over the past 67 days, I am puddle of tears inside. Don't feel sorry for me, either. Please do not. It is what it is but I'm just being frank and honest with you.

I will keep putting up the good fight and the man I'm supposed to be, but it's times like these when I feel beat into the ground and then I'm blessed by those I hold far more close than anything else on this planet. Yea, I'd sob uncontrollably if I could hold them right now...no doubt. But I can't. I just need to toughen up and get through it. One thing I know: I don't ever want to feel this lonely again...ever. Thousands upon thousands of others in this uniform have served multiple 12mo deployments. I will never, ever understand how in the world they do it. I'm just over 2mo into this one. For you who feel compelled to write me about feeling sorry for myself, please do not. Save your critiques for someone else...I've had enough of that. If you do, do not expect a reply. I am not feeling sorry for myself...can I not be honest with how I feel? Perhaps some are heartless and leather on the inside and out but that's just not me. I think I may have been a bit more "leather" in my 20s and before I had kids, but today, that's just not the case. As a person with an extremely few very close people in my life, those that are hold my heart in my hands. Risky...yes. It's just the way it is, though.

At the end of the day, my boss did ask me how I was doing...that he could tell I was a bit "down" today. One thing I can't do is hide my emotion and I make no apologies. I also am not going to hang myself by being verbally honest. This isn't a democracy, here. We don't get to vote. In the civilian world due to everyone's supposed rights, many bosses aren't going to close the door and rip you apart...especially with so many unions in place. In the military, though? Ha! No problem at all...and that's something I don't need in my life, especially 7000 miles from home. One thing I recognize is this, though. Each one of us, whether or not we get along or not, has our own struggles within. We're all away from home and may have internal demons that need cast out. Who knows? I just don't want to be the dumping ground during that exorcism. Say the wrong thing...look the wrong way...use the wrong tone? Who knows how close any of us is to setting the person next to us off. Ultimately, we're all in it together...heading towards the same end goal but we are still human...gotta remember that.

I left the office by myself again today and headed towards the shuttle stop. Again, a local contractor picked me and gave me a ride. On the way back, though, I stopped by the airstrip where the F-15 pilots are along with their multi-million 'toys' that attempt to keep me awake each night. After a few items were taken care of (to-be-explained-later), I walked the remaining distance to my room...care packages in hand. Dang, it is windy tonight. Good thing I ran last night and today is a rest day. Just filth everywhere tonight.  For dinner, I had some jambalaya over rice, some cauliflower, some mashed taters, and some comfort food...praline pecan ice cream. That's some awesome stuff, by the way. Rest of the night? Taping up lots of artwork to my walls, chillaxing and watching some TV, and that's about it. Plenty. Just another day.

Goodnight, everyone.