Day 108

8 hours of sleep...EXTREMELY rare...but that's what happens when I go to bed at 8pm. 4am, wide awake, but refreshed. I've heard that folks can wake up "on the wrong side of the bed" and end up having a bad day. For me...it was opposite that and looked forward to a good day. Espresso, my cereal, and on my way.

Turns out, the day held something much different than good. Every once in awhile, I have..."a day"...you know what I mean, right? Everyone has them. For me, I grew extremely depressed and just sat there...staring out the window for awhile, then staring at the computer screen, then back out the window....mixing work in there as needed. Why? I just missed home...bad. Let me explain something very clearly...I am not feeling sorry for myself...I have it much better than many troops over here...I signed up for this. OK? I'm still human, though. It's days like this that drive me heavily towards resigning my commission once I return home...simply to prevent them (Uncle Sam) from ever deploying me again. I know I never want to return...that I am sure of. As the day wore on, I looked for reasons to get out of the office and eat lunch alone. What I REALLY wanted was to talk to "Dorothy." No one else. She'd understand and since there isn't a soul in this country who I trust enough to "spill the beans," she is the one...the only one. I sent her a message and just asked her for 5 minutes when she wakes up.

Eventually, just before 5am east coast time, she woke up and sent me a message to call. We talked for awhile and I definitely felt better afterwards...but still faced reality. I'm here...she's there...and everyone surrounding me is out for themselves. It sucks to feel like everyone around you views you like the dirt on the bottom of their shoes. It also is important that I remember this feeling so I don't do it to others....here, and when I return home to Kansas. I will not lower myself to treat others that way but that doesn't make it any easier now for me. One thing was the epitome of irony today...I am in an Army uniform...in a war zone...serving my country...and I felt incredibly un-patriotic. Why? Because all I wanted to do was to run home to my family. I'm not even quite sure if Dorothy 100% understood my feelings but she understood enough to be there for me. I'm so very thankful I'm able to call her when I need to.

So that's enough for today...I'm heading to bed early again...once asleep, this day is done and gone and it needs to be. Besides, I'd like to get up early and Facetime with Dorothy before I head in and it's still a decent hour Stateside. For anyone who doesn't care for the pity-party today...this blog will never be artificial or fake...it's raw and true and will never stray. Most days are OK...this just wasn't one of those days.

Goodnight, everyone.