Day 127

I must start out today saying that confronting that guy last night about what was eating me up was absolutely, positively the right thing to do. Not only did that de-stress me last night but that spilled into today and having a good Sunday. Sundays are typically rough for me but today was pretty good, actually. I called the shots, did what I wanted, and am ending the day on a positive note.

I started out by refusing to get out of bed. I just kept forcing myself back to sleep, wanting to head in to the office late, stay a few hours, then bolt. So after sleeping in, I did exactly that. I got some work done, grabbed some lunch, stopped by the PX (the shopping "mall" area for us military folks) and grabbed a few more t-shirts to send home, then headed back to the office long enough to pick up my clean laundry. After 2pm, I was out of there and heading on back.

My afternoon "mission" was to get my older laptop cleaned up and over 5,000 photos moved over to my MacBook. Dorothy is supposed to start her graduate degree soon and needs a computer with the Microsoft suite of things on it and this one has it so I've been prepping it to ship home. I did that and when the chow hall opened, I went over and grabbed a to-go box so I could eat dinner after my run tonight. While working on the computer this afternoon, I did have the chance to Skype with my girls for a few minutes and while I did, we actually got a squirt of rain! Wow!!! It does that here?! My roof it metal so I knew real quick something was going on outside and sure enough...rain drops. It only lasted a few minutes but that's the first precipitation of any kind that I've seen since April. The clouds were threatening earlier but I thought nothing of it because it never rains here.

At 7pm, I headed on out for a great perimeter run. Because of the clouds, the humidity was a bit higher and there was no wind tonight...an extreme rarity. I honestly cannot remember the last day it wasn't windy at night. The icing on the cake was a full moon tonight. Normally an 8 mile perimeter loop, I was feeling so good that I made it 10 miles. The photo at the right was near the old Russian bunkers from the late 70s. If you recall the photo from awhile ago of me in front of the "Mines" sign...same location. If you're going to take a photo out there, it's a good idea to move off the road and away from traffic. Taking a photo of the moon is not compromising security or anything but I don't need to give the armed patrol a reason to confiscate my iPhone. That's also the reason I didn't use a flash..plus, the flash would ruin the full moon! You can make out the shape of me and tell I'm wearing my clear ballistic glasses. In the end...it was a great run.

I won't lie...I'm looking forward to the first half of this week. The boss is traveling tomorrow through mid-week. Who doesn't like when the boss steps out for the few days?! Of course, I'm still looking forward to Saturday when I get promoted. That simply can't get here quick enough.

Goodnight, everyone.

Day 126

Alright, I've had about 3 straight days of funk so let's mix it up tonight. I'm just going to throw some positive things out from today and wrap today up with a little life lesson. I think I need to get over myself and get my head screwed on right. It's threads are certainly crossed right now.

First...the way I woke up...it was priceless. First, I hit the snooze on my iPhone at 5:30am and fell back asleep. I also forgot to put "Do Not Disturb" on my Skype while I slept. Thank goodness, too, because my girls stayed at my parents and they were calling me. Tin Man told my mom "Dad gets up at 5:30am his time so I know he's awake." It was beyond perfect to get a wake up call from my girls.  Priceless doesn't seem to measure up...it was better than that. Like I could to Dorothy, I could just stare at them and say nothing. I just want to burn their images into my mind and remember them. Dangit, I miss them so much! The day in the office was not so positive so we'll just skip right over that. After lunch, another care package showed up from my middle brother. Inside were two boxes of Kashi cereal...the new "Toasted Berry Crumble" which is unbelievable!!! Good timing, too, as maybe two days of cereal were left. Also inside were some Caramel Iced VIA packets from Starbucks and some lemonade powder mixes that I also love. Super sweet! As the day wore on, I stared at the clock just waiting for an e-mail from Dorothy saying she was awake and I could call. I really just wanted to hear her soothing morning voice and hear about her Friday in New York City where she is visiting. We had a great chat and said our goodbyes. Afterwards, I called my brother to thank him for the care package and chat for awhile.

One thing he asked me stuck with me. He asked about what I thought about our presence here in the country and the lasting impact. I will admit...that answer is different than it was on Day 30 when I arrived here. "Winning the hearts and minds of the Afghan people" and helping to "equip them and train them to take their country back" are things heard often. However, seeing so many flag-draped coffins here at my base has taken its toll on me and my confidence level has certainly diminished. This country supplies over 85% of the world's poppy which is used to make heroin. That is a BIG business and fuels the enemy. Plenty of money for weapons and training the bad guys. The Afghan people, on the other hand, are very simple, living far below poverty, and have extremely little. Remove us from the country and I think it's a debate as to what will happen. Can they truly take their country back and not be overrun by the Taliban again? Without us? I'm only throwing that out there for discussion right now...I'm not making a statement. I just hope the death and sacrifice of so many of our country's heroes is not in vain. That really gets to me when I think about it. We'll know eventually, but for now, history is being written.

Tonight, the dynamics of things going on in the office was really eating at me. I could feel the stress building throughout my body and did not want to go to bed feeling the way I felt. I just had to talk to one of them. The senior officer wouldn't return my two requests to speak and refused to answer his phone. So, I called the next one down and had a lengthy discussion outside about it. It had to be confronted, laid out there, and worked through. I think we did and I'm very glad I took the initiative to make things right. Of course, he didn't think it was "that big of a deal" but it was eating me alive. Afterwards, I popped some popcorn and brewed some full leaf Passion tea from my sister-in-law...oh so good!!! So good I had to take a picture of it! It's the kind of tea that's so good all by itself and nothing needs added to it. Rocky 2 is on tonight, too. With that, friends...Day 126 has come to an end and a very unplugged day awaits tomorrow. I'm not setting the alarm and will just head into the office whenever I wake up, spend a few hours there, then get out of there.  For now...it's bedtime. I think I'll fall asleep to some of Kenny Chesney's classics tonight.

Goodnight, everyone.

Day 125

Good days, bad days, we have them all, don't we? Today...not so good. Nothing really happened, per se, it was just a day where I must have woke up on the wrong side of the bed. From the beginning, today, I kept to myself and couldn't ever really dig myself out of the mental funk. It didn't help when it was a slow day, too. Once the day was breaking on the east coast, I gave Tin Man and Scarecrow a quick call to find out they got the postcard I mailed them and also a quick call to Dorothy who is tearing up the Big Apple this weekend. Dorothy is the only person on the planet who I feel I can really open up to so she's a critical piece in my life so my "life line" (aka: phone line) is a huge benefit that is priceless to me. Soon after I hung up with Dorothy after an 11hr day, I was out the door and caught the shuttle back to my side of the base. Dinner and relaxing in my room defined the evening and it's time for bed to seal Day 125. Trust me...you don't want this brain spilled out on this screen today. Best to just go to bed.

Goodnight, everyone.

Day 124

Over the hump and onward to the weekend. 9 days until promotion, too...not that I'm eager to get promoted or anything. I'll be taking my oath along with the monthly "Hail and Farewell" you've read about before. We are going all out, too...we're grilling steaks and chicken and will have baked beans and potato salad...perhaps some near-beer, too!

Today wasn't too bad. I was busy all morning then tried something new. I went back to my room around lunch and suffered through 4 1/2 miles on the treadmill. That was torture. I was going to run 6 or 7 but I passionately hate the treadmill. No need to lie...I hate it. I did that, got some push-ups and planks in afterwards then showered and headed over to my Russian friends for a haircut. Never fails...they do a great job every time. Funny thing, though? She attacked my eye brows with a vengeance.  Yea, my awesome barber, Heather, back in "Kansas" usually takes care of me in that category but since April, no attention at all! I'm guessing this barber today couldn't help herself but clip those things off. Most excellent service. I headed on back to the office afterwards after nothing but a Clif Bar for lunch and got some more work done along with a call to my mom, Tin Man, and Scarecrow.

Back in my room tonight, it was just relaxing and watching "Source Code" on TV...pretty good flick. Afterwards, I was checking in on my feed online and noticed the Department of Defense officially announced the 30 Fallen from last week. Yes, the same link I mention often and have permanently embedded on the right side of this blog. For the rest of today's post, I ask you to read their names, age, and hometowns. PLEASE do not leave today's post without reading their names. You can also find the list here. "Rest in Peace, brothers, and thank you for your ultimate sacrifice for my freedom and that of my family and friends back home. You will not be forgotten."

DOD Identifies Service Members Killed In CH-47 Crash

The Department of Defense announced today the deaths of 30 servicemembers who were supporting Operation Enduring Freedom.  They died Aug. 6 in Wardak province, Afghanistan, of wounds suffered when their CH-47 Chinook helicopter crashed.

The following sailors assigned to an East Coast-based Naval Special Warfare unit were killed:

Lt. Cmdr. (SEAL) Jonas B. Kelsall, 32, of Shreveport, La.

Special Warfare Operator Master Chief Petty Officer (SEAL) Louis J. Langlais, 44, of Santa Barbara, Calif.

Special Warfare Operator Senior Chief Petty Officer (SEAL) Thomas A. Ratzlaff, 34, of Green Forest, Ark.

Explosive Ordnance Disposal Technician Senior Chief Petty Officer (Expeditionary Warfare Specialist/Freefall Parachutist) Kraig M. Vickers 36, of Kokomo, Hawaii

Special Warfare Operator Chief Petty Officer (SEAL) Brian R. Bill, 31, of Stamford, Conn.

Special Warfare Operator Chief Petty Officer (SEAL) John W. Faas, 31, of Minneapolis, Minn.

Special Warfare Operator Chief Petty Officer (SEAL) Kevin A. Houston, 35, of West Hyannisport, Mass.

Special Warfare Operator Chief Petty Officer (SEAL) Matthew D. Mason, 37, of Kansas City, Mo.

Special Warfare Operator Chief Petty Officer (SEAL) Stephen M. Mills, 35, of Fort Worth, Texas

Explosive Ordnance Disposal Technician Chief Petty Officer (Expeditionary Warfare Specialist/Freefall Parachutist/Diver) Nicholas H. Null, 30, of Washington, W.Va.

Special Warfare Operator Chief Petty Officer (SEAL) Robert J. Reeves, 32, of Shreveport, La.

Special Warfare Operator Chief Petty Officer (SEAL) Heath M. Robinson, 34, of Detroit, Mich.

Special Warfare Operator Petty Officer 1st Class (SEAL) Darrik C. Benson, 28, of Angwin, Calif.

Special Warfare Operator Petty Officer 1st Class (SEAL/Parachutist) Christopher G. Campbell, 36, of Jacksonville, N.C.

Information Systems Technician Petty Officer 1st Class (Expeditionary Warfare Specialist/Freefall Parachutist) Jared W. Day, 28, of Taylorsville, Utah

Master-at-Arms Petty Officer 1st Class (Expeditionary Warfare Specialist) John Douangdara, 26, of South Sioux City, Neb.

Cryptologist Technician (Collection) Petty Officer 1st Class (Expeditionary Warfare Specialist) Michael J. Strange, 25, of Philadelphia, Pa.

Special Warfare Operator Petty Officer 1st Class (SEAL/Enlisted Surface Warfare Specialist) Jon T. Tumilson, 35, of Rockford, Iowa

Special Warfare Operator Petty Officer 1st Class (SEAL) Aaron C. Vaughn, 30, of Stuart, Fla.

Special Warfare Operator Petty Officer 1st Class (SEAL) Jason R. Workman, 32, of Blanding, Utah.

The following sailors assigned to a West Coast-based Naval Special Warfare unit were killed:

Special Warfare Operator Petty Officer 1st Class (SEAL) Jesse D. Pittman, 27, of Ukiah, Calif.

Special Warfare Operator Petty Officer 2nd Class (SEAL) Nicholas P. Spehar, 24, of Saint Paul, Minn.

The soldiers killed were:

Chief Warrant Officer David R. Carter, 47, of Centennial, Colo.  He was assigned to the 2nd Battalion, 135th Aviation Regiment (General Support Aviation Battalion), Aurora, Colo.

Chief Warrant Officer Bryan J. Nichols, 31, of Hays, Kan. He was assigned to the 7th Battalion, 158th Aviation Regiment (General Support Aviation Battalion), New Century, Kan.

Sgt. Patrick D. Hamburger, 30, of Lincoln, Neb. He was assigned to the 2nd Battalion, 135th Aviation Regiment (General Support Aviation Battalion), Grand Island, Neb.

Sgt. Alexander J. Bennett, 24, of Tacoma, Wash. He was assigned to the 7th Battalion, 158th Aviation Regiment (General Support Aviation Battalion), New Century, Kan.

Spc. Spencer C. Duncan, 21, of Olathe, Kan. He was assigned to the 7th Battalion, 158th Aviation Regiment (General Support Aviation Battalion), New Century, Kan.

The airmen killed were:

Tech. Sgt. John W. Brown, 33, of Tallahassee, Fla.

Staff Sgt. Andrew W. Harvell, 26, of Long Beach, Calif.

Tech. Sgt. Daniel L. Zerbe, 28, of York, Pa.

All three airmen were assigned to the 24th Special Tactics Squadron, Pope Field, N.C.

Note: Service-members die many times per week in this war. In no way am I elevating these Fallen over any others. ANY life lost is a tragedy. I am listing these for a few reasons: it has garnered international attention, I was there to see them leave Afghanistan, most are fellow Sailors, and I believe it is appropriate considering how it has impacted my life which is what this blog/journal is all about. I encourage you to continue checking the link on the right to keep the Fallen in mind and the families they leave behind. That journey without their loved one is just beginning and will last a lifetime.

Goodnight, everyone.

Day 123

Quiet day today, which was nice. There really isn't much to share. The biggest highlight was the Cleveland Indians' ballgame that went 14 innings after a rain delay...nearly went to 2am EST! Pretty rare we get to watch LIVE baseball in the office through mid-morning so that was pretty cool. Tribe won...beat the Tigers! Besides that, I was very busy all day and didn't get out of the office until I put in an 11 1/2 hour day. Everyone in the office grabbed dinner together and unable to resist the urge, I went back and got a cup of praline ice cream. I swear that stuff is addicting. My palate just don't feel write after dinner without it! I watched some TV, now I'm blogging, going to get a quick shower, then I'm heading to bed earlier than normal...going to fall asleep to some Brahms: German Requiem tonight. Eyes are already heavy. Hump Day is done and now down towards the weekend. T-10 days until my promotion on the 20th! :-)  (oh yea...almost forgot...got confirmation of my departure date today...hmmm, how did I forget to mention that? who knows...and no, I can't share it...and no, it's not soon...but there is a giant target on the downward slope of my time left here) :-)))))))

Goodnight, everyone.

Day 122

24 hours ago, I was standing on the flight line waiting for the Fallen Comrade Ceremony to begin. Tonight? I'm in my CHU...showered...relaxed. A repeat of the Pirates/Giants baseball game is playing in the background (I know...weird...but it "sounds" like home with baseball on in the background...make sense?!) and I'm downloading today's release of Steven Curtis Chapman's Re-Creation. I've been a fan for years and met him once, too. This new album is a combination of new work and re-creations of his favorites and my favorites. With the snail's pace of download in my room, I'm sure I'll go to sleep tonight and it won't be done yet.

While the Fallen arrived at Dover Air Force Base today, back here in Oz, things returned to normal. At 8am this morning, I was in a brief with the brigade who ran it all last night. The commander was very proud of his people and passed on thanks and job-well-done to them but reminded them to get their head back in the game and return to work. After all, he said, it's our job. The rest of the day was busy, productive, and mostly uneventful. As the lunch hour broke, I escaped early to avoid eating with everyone else. I wanted time to myself today. I grabbed a salad for lunch then headed over to Green Beans Coffee to redeem a gift card I was sent for $22.00. Now I have a credit for java!!! WOOT! Today, I got their incredibly good Mocha Frappe and did some reading and writing outside. After about an hour, I wandered on back to the office where they had all left and already returned from lunch. I got back to work and waited for Dorothy to wake up a few hours later. We got on the phone and had a great conversation for quite awhile. She was up early to head out for a run then to work. Afterwards, I stayed around long enough for another conference call with folks back Stateside then headed out for the night.

Back in my room after dinner, I Skype'd with Tin Man and Scarecrow for awhile then wound down for the night. That's really about it...and boy, am I thankful for that. Today was a relaxing day. I'm going to try and get to bed a bit early tonight because I'm going to wake up in the middle of the night to try and Skype in to my church's Men's Bible Study and then a conference call with fellow Supply Officers. I'm on a regional board and I'm really trying to stay involved with them, especially as they are planning for our 2012 symposium next year. I'm going to try the free Skype 800 number service. So with that, everyone...Day 122 is a rap. As a FYI: I am starting to "feel" my time winding down. While still a ways out, I am certainly on the downward slope towards getting back on the Yellow Brick Road. I'm creating little landmarks on the calendar in any way I can. Little victories help move time along, I've found.

Goodnight, everyone.

Day 121

Alright, folks...no talk today about my morning and afternoon. Today, I can only reproduce what I was WITNESS to tonight...35 flag-draped caskets...heading home to America. I really don't know any better way to write tonight but to just re-create my memories onto this screen. Only 3 days ago, I did that when I attended my first Fallen Comrade Ceremony. Little did I know that late, late Friday night, we would lose 30 more then another 5 over the weekend. Oh, America...

Stock Photo

"I heard earlier today that we needed to be formed up on the flight line by 8pm tonight or 11:30am EST. I was very busy today so I ended up skipping dinner and heading to the flight line. As I turned the corner on the flight line towards the large C-17s which would carry our Fallen home, I saw the growing crowd of fellow service-members. Once I got into the crowd, I found a spot in the front row of the formation. From my vantage point, a large hangar, big enough for a C-17 was to my left and the doors were wide open. Inside, there were troops in formation on both sides. At the rear center, the commonly seen rifle pointed down, helmet on top, boots in front, and dog tags hanging...just like you see on the right side of my blog. On the floor in front of these memorials for the Fallen, soldiers kneeled and embraced each other as they grieved their fallen brothers. Outside, we were waiting for 8pm (local) to come around when the ceremony was to begin. Directly across from me, there was a large space as wide as the hangar opening and another mass of soldiers facing us. To my right, two C-17s waited with their rear cargo doors wide open, ready to receive the Fallen. They were angled inward, rear-facing. Inside the cargo bays, the final preps were being made to secure the Fallen for their long ride home.

Stock Photo of K-Loader with C-17 behind it

The crowd was large...in the hundreds, for sure. As 8pm arrived and passed by, the ceremony did not start. Soon, though, the engines on the C-17s quieted and the flight line shut down. Nothing. No sound, no jet engines nearby...just silence. The band that I saw from a few days ago was on the opposite side of me, facing me. They began to play very ceremonial/somber music. Then, off to my right, "K-Loaders" approached. K-Loaders (stock photo shown here) are the very large "vehicles" used to load air pallets onto cargo aircraft. They can lift their decks straight up and down. Due to the large number of Fallen, these were being used to bring the Fallen to us. Slowly...very slowly...four fully-loaded K-Loaders approached from the right and stopped in between the two staged C-17s. Then, the crowd was called to attention and gobs of soldiers came forward and formed up between the K-Loaders. A group of 8 climbed on top and stood to the sides of two rows of caskets. Their job was to bring the caskets forward to those who would carry them into the hangar. Down in front of the K-Loader, fellow Special Forces sailors and soldiers lined up in quantities of 8 per casket and slowly removed and carried each casket right by me from right to left and into the hangar. One by one by one...each casket passed by. The crowd, including myself, held our salute until every member had been brought in. As each group of 8 arrived in the hangar, I watched as they slowly lowered each Hero to the ground, slowly rose to their feet, then in unison, slowly saluted the Hero they just carried in. This happened for each of the 35 Americans in caskets.

After all the caskets were brought in, the K-Loaders drove away and opened the space up yet again between the two C-17s. Back in the hangar, one of the Chaplains approached the microphone and prayed for the soldiers. Once complete, the names...every name was read aloud. A member from each community came forward and stated the rank and name of every person. The Navy SEALs were hit especially hard and 22 names were read. Next, the Air Force members who died were read (I'm not sure how many were Air Force...I am sure one was a Tech Sergeant Medic). After this, an Army Ranger came up and read the names of his Fallen. Lastly, a Marine came up and read 3 more names and ended with "Semper Fidelis." 35 names...35 Heroes. Now that the names were read, the band began to play once again. It was a smooth, somber type of music. I didn't recognize any of it.

I was beginning to wonder: 'Why aren't I crying? Don't I feel anything?' I was feeling guilty...like I was supposed to cry. 'Look at all those flag-draped caskets...don't you feel anything??' I thought to myself. Looking back now, I was numb to it. Yea, I felt it...I felt the sorrow, I grieved for the families of the Fallen,  I looked at the flags which wrapped the corners of the caskets and thought about all that flag stands for and the price paid for what it stands for. Inside, I wanted deeply for my friends and family to witness this...I wanted AMERICA to witness it. On the outside, though, I just stared..and listened to the names, not moving one muscle.

Stock Photo inside C-17 of previous Fallen

"Present...ARMS!"... the order to salute. In unison, we all slowly raised our arms to salute once again. In groups of about 8 at a time, the soldiers bent down and lifted each Hero up, turned them around to face the correct direction (feet always first), then slowly...very slowly carried them towards one of the two waiting C-17s. As they passed, I looked at each person who passed and their faces. Many, many of them had beards. This is normal for Special Forces and SEALs as they often are with the Afghans and try to blend in a bit. I saw Trident after Trident on upper left chests of those carrying the Fallen. They are fellow SEALs...carrying their brothers HOME. No expressions, no tears...just staring straight ahead and keeping a firm grasp on the metal handles. As the rows formed at the rear of the C-17s off to my right, they turned the Fallen around one more time so that when they arrive at Dover Air Force Base, they will be ready to come off the aircraft in the proper direction. One by one, they took each Hero into the C-17 and slowly lowered them to the deck plates and rendered their final salute before leaving the aircraft via the front door. Wave after wave after wave until every last one had passed by me and been loaded.  The band played the entire time and we held that salute under ordered to put it down. In the photo above, count those American Flags...how many do you see? Now double that. That's about how many passed me by tonight."

Friends, tonight was heartbreaking. I didn't say a word afterwards. I got in the car and while others talked, I just sat there, not knowing what I was feeling or what I should be feeling. I was honored to have been there but where are the tears? I got back to my room and knew I needed to write tonight but knew I had to take a shower, pop some popcorn, and RELAX. That was the only way I was going to write anything. I did that, turned on the TV and guess what was on..."Coming Home"!!!! Seriously? Is that God's idea of humor? Goodness gracious...watching little girls on TV greet their daddies home from war melts my heart each time I see it. I was an emotional wreck! After some smiles and laughter, I finally sat down to write to you. Now it's done...it's about 12:30am here and I'm wiped out.

I hope I never witness anything like this ever again. Am I glad I went? Absolutely. I really "felt" like I was standing there and saluting for all of my friends and family...in their place, you might say. I felt the love of them, too, and thought about them often throughout the ceremony. I also thought about the journey these Heroes would take. As I type this, they are probably cruising at 35,000 feet, en route to Dover Air Force Base where the military mortuary will take over. Many families will be there to witness their arrival. I imagine that the news will cover it as well if the family members agree...that's the way that works...it's up to the families if it gets broadcast to the world. After Mortuary Affairs finishes, the Heroes will begin their trip to their final resting place.

Friends, please pray for the families..the wives, children, brothers, sisters, extended family, and good friends whose grieving process has just begun. While most of America is fretting over the stock market, they are en route to Dover to welcome their Heroes home. Please remember them.

Goodnight, everyone.